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Jealousy and other problems

A little bit of jealousy is common if you have strong feelings towards someone. But when jealousy goes too far, it could have a bad effect on your relationship.

Jealousy and insecurity

How do you know if your partner is being obsessively jealous? There are a few tell-tale signs. They might get angry when you talk to other people or do things on your own. They might stalk you, demand your computer passwords, check your text messages, listen to your phone conversations, or constantly complain that you’re not giving them enough attention.

Jealousy is a difficult trait to shake off, but it's possible if you try. The first step is to realise that being jealous makes life difficult – for you as well as for your partner. After you’ve acknowledged that, it might be a good idea to share your concerns with your partner. Learn more about how to deal with jealousy in our Jealousy: top five facts.

Insecurities may also crop up in unequal relationships where one partner feels he or she gives more than the other. If you're feeling uneasy or unhappy in a relationship, try to talk about it with your partner. Communication goes a long way towards solving insecurities.

How to talk to your partner if you get jealous

Jealousy can be a hard feeling to overcome. It’s even worse if a partner has cheated on you in the past, or left you for another person.
To make sure jealousy doesn’t ruin your relationship, it’s important to talk openly before something happens. Talk about how you feel about your partner talking with people of the opposite sex – but remember that it shouldn’t be any problem for either of you to have friends of any sex.

If you notice your partner talking closely with another person, don’t immediately accuse them of flirting or wanting to sleep around. Avoid saying things like:

‘I can’t believe you were flirting with that girl in front of me!’

‘I bet you wanted to sleep with that guy since you were talking so much with him!’

Instead, you both should agree on how far is too far, and understand what actions make the other person uncomfortable – such as touching or holding hands with friends. If you really felt that your partner was flirting with someone, explain the situation and how it made you feel.

‘When you were talking with that girl, I felt ignored and it upsets me.’

But your partner might feel they weren’t flirting at all. Be ready to accept that. After you have calmed down, suggest coming to a solution together. For example, if one of you is talking to another person you don’t know, you could agree to introduce each other as boyfriend or girlfriend early on, so the new person knows you’re a couple. Find what works for you and your partner.

Lack of attention

Most of us have a strong emotional desire to be in a relationship. We start feeling dissatisfied if we're not getting the attention we need. So if your partner goes on a business trip and doesn't call you the whole time, you might feel neglected – and annoyed!

If you feel that your partner isn't paying attention to your needs the way they used to, you might start worrying that something's gone wrong. There could be another explanation – perhaps they're just very busy with other things. But it could mean that they're starting to lose interest in the relationship.

Of course, this works both ways: if you've been feeling stressed and working more than usual, for example, your partner might be feeling neglected.

In either case, it might be good to have a talk. It always helps to discuss your needs and expectations of the relationship. A lack of communication often leads to misunderstandings. Letting your partner know both what you want from them and what you can offer could give your relationship a fresh start.

Sexual dissatisfaction

Sex is an important part of any intimate relationship. If sex gets worse or stops all together, it could affect your emotional bond too. You could be left feeling dissatisfied with your relationship if your partner doesn’t want to have sex as often as you do. Or the other way around – perhaps you just can't keep up with your partner’s high sex drive.
It’s completely normal for one person to want sex more often than the other in a relationship.

If your partner says they don’t feel like having sex, respect their feelings and don’t pressure them into it – it’s likely to put them off sex more and more. And if you’re the one who doesn’t feel like having sex – perhaps because you’re too tired or stressed – instead of just saying 'no', try suggesting a time in the not-too-distant future when you’ll definitely be up for sex and romance.

You might also find that you’re turned on by very different things. Maybe your partner wants oral sex, but you’re not keen on it. Or you like it rough, but they prefer gentle. Again, pressuring your partner into something they don’t fancy will never be good for your relationship. Talk about it, and see if you can find a compromise.

If you’re unhappy with your sex life, communication is key. Don’t blame your partner or make them feel inadequate – you don't want to damage their self-esteem, and sex is a very sensitive subject. Be open and approachable. Listen to what the other person has to say, and try to understand their point of view.

Growing apart

Long-term relationships sometimes phase out because both partners have outgrown each other – people change over time, and perhaps you've both been moving in different directions. You might realise that the two of you have different ideas about life and what you want from the relationship.

This could be because you haven't really talked to each other for a long time. Working on your communication could help bring you back together.

Comments

Hi Nthabeleng, We can imagine how frustrating this is to you. Have you talked about why he coming home l;ate always? This might help you find a solution or a way forward. It maybe important you talk about your expectations in the relationship so that together you can agree on how to proceed. It may help to approach the conversation from a place of wanting to find a solution. Check out the following article for tips on communication. https://lovematters.co.ke/love-relationships/happy-relationships/tips-for-talking-to-your-partner
Eva shiro
Wed, 05/24/2017 - 14:40

Am 24y old now and i have a boyfriend.... This boy he invite his Ex girlfriend kwake, soo one day nikaenda uko and i find uyo dem uko and i was shocked nini uyo dem Anafanya uko... Soo i ask the boy dem ni nani and he told mi ni cuzo yake.... After some days i find the girl akifua nguo za boy mpaka za dani soo i did talk.. A few minutes nikaita dem and i ask her to tel me the truth... Alafu akanishow alikua Ex girlfriend, for now am married to that guy bt am steel dout yeye coz nilifukuza dem and I get married... Pliz i need your advice niache kufikilia uyo dem all the time...

Hi Eva, Kama uliamua kuolewa na yeye na pia yeye akakubali kukuoa inamaanisha yuko committed kwako. Ni muhimu umutrust na kama kuna sababu yeyote inafanya usimuamini ni poa muongee kuhusu hiyo sababu ndio pia yeye akuhakikishie yuko committed kwako. Tafuta time nzuri muonge kuhusu relationship yenu na pia umwambie kuhusu kile wewe unatarajia kwa hio relationship yenu na pia yeye akwambie so that you can build your relationship from there. You also have to make a decision to trust him now that you chose to marry him. We wish you well.
GloryAnaba
Thu, 06/01/2017 - 17:23

My boyfriend has been ignoring me for days over a little misunderstanding we had few days ago. He doesn't pick my calls , he doesn't reply my chat. What do i do ?

Hi Glory, It appears what you maybe thinking was just a small misunderstanding was not so for your boyfriend. Perhaps you need to begin by acknowledging his concern with whatever it is you disagreed about this way you can move forward from there. Apologize, which may help get things back to what they were. Do give it time before you reach out especially if he is not answering. We wish you well. Check out the following article for more information:- https://lovematters.co.ke/love-relationships/relationship-problems/good-fights-versus-bad-fights

Hey Nana, I am not sure what advice you want... But is dating a married man what you want? What is the future of your relationship? Think about what you want not just now but also in the future and think about whether this relationship will give you what you want.

I have the problems one day I phone my boyfriend he didn't answer my call I send him a msg cos I was so agree for him ,from that day his not taking my calls ,I send more than seven msgs to apology but his not responding ,his not taking my call now I don't know what to do I try all my best to make things okay but it not helping

Hey Zee, You seem to have done all you can to reverse this situation. All you can do now is just give him sometime and see if he will have a change of heart. You need to be prepared since things may not go back, he may not want to get back and if this the case you will to respect his choice.

I'm wit a guy dat i love very much and he loves me too but my problem is he has a sister and he is the one taking care of her,he care so much for his sister that sometimes i feel ignored. Wherever i ask him for money he complains he doesn't have but wat bothers me most is dat he always tell me i hav to buy phone for my sis,i hav to buy that for my sister and that or really bothers me that sometimes i feel jealous of his sister. Pls wat should i do

Hey Vic, You need to be honest with your partner about this. Remember it is important that you do not try to come between him and his sister but rather to just let him know what the lack of attention toward you makes you feel or does to your relationship with. This is something that can happen in a relationship, for you it is a sister, for another it could career, a new business/job or project. Find a good time and talk about this. Check out this article;- https://lovematters.co.ke/love-relationships/relationship-problems/jealousy-turning-destruction-into-construction

Hi My girlfriend has been behaving weired of late. Whenever i call her as we used to call each other night i find out that she is ever on phone and whenever she finds out i was trying to reach her out,she does not return the phone calls and the next morning she is not even bothered and am the one to call again...when i try to ask she says she has been talkng to a friend...i try to make her open up..atleast by asking her whats the problem might be since am seeing the changes but still she says she is fine.. help me out because i love this girl and i was thinking of giving her personal space till the day she will open up

Hi Hamisi, It is important you find a good time and have a face to face conversation wit your partner about these issues. You need to let her know the changes you have observed and what this is doing to you and the relationship. Talk about your expectation in the relationship and have her also tell you what she expects. Communication is essential for any relationship and when there is none or very little partners may begin to grow apart. We wish you well.

HELLO,MY ISSUE WITH MY MAN WAS THAT HE ALWAYS TALKED TO A LOT OF WOMEN AND WENT INTIMATE WITH THEM BUT WHENEVER I COULD TALK ABOUT IT, HE WOULD SAY THAT IM TOO JELOUSY WHICH INDEED HAPPENS INCASE YOU SUSPECT A THING,WE BROKE UP WHAT WOULD I DO

Hi DD, sorry that your relationship didn't work. All you can do now is take time to heal and hopefully after you will meet someone who respects you enough not cheat you. Check out this article;- https://lovematters.co.ke/love-relationships/breaking-up/coping-with-a-break-up
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