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Maintaining happy relationships

Now that you’re settled with your partner, it might be time to start talking more openly about what you like or dislike in the bedroom.

We all want to have a happy and pleasurable sex life and talking about it will help make it happen. But where to start?

Below we lay out three common concerns you may have. We don’t have all the answers, but we’ll try to give you some advice to get you started!

Why do I need to talk about sex with my partner?
Your partner is not a mind-reader and won’t know if you’re happy or unhappy unless you tell them! That also applies to lovemaking.

Talking about sex makes me feel uncomfortable!
Yes, talking about sex can feel awkward at first. Your partner probably feels awkward about it, too. So don’t worry!

‘I’m really excited about making love to you, but I’m a bit nervous. Are you nervous too?’

While kissing or being intimate, you can already mention how much you’re looking forward to making love to them. Encourage your partner to open up too.

The more you talk about sex, the more you get used to it, and the easier it becomes.

Will my partner think less of me or think that I have slept with a lot of people or if I talk about what pleases me?
Some cultures look down on women discussing with their partners the sexual side of their relationships. So introduce the topic slowly and gently.

You could even show them this website!

‘I found this website Love Matters which talks all about love and sex, and I thought we could look at it together to get some fun ideas for when we make love!’

Once you have looked at the website, perhaps you will both feel more confident to talk about things you would like to do with each other.
If your partner doesn’t like you sharing what makes you feel good, or doesn’t want to talk about sex at all, then maybe they’re just not the right person for you.

Sex in your married life

As the years pass by in your marriage, your sex life can get monotonous. Sex might seem like a routine. Believe it or not, sex can just get plain boring!

Your bodies change with time and age. You perhaps don’t find yourself and your partner as desirable and sexy as you did when you first met. And with that, sex isn’t as exciting anymore. You might also feel like you know each other’s bodies like the back of your hand. You might feel like there’s nothing left to explore. You’ve done whatever needs to be done to turn each other on hundreds of times. What next?

A word of reassurance: you’re not alone. Many couples find themselves scurrying for answers to the same question. Nobody wants a stale sex life, right? So here are some tips to spice up your married sex life.

  • Think sex and think sexy.
    Sex is still an important part of your relationship, even when you’ve been together for years, and life is full of other concerns.
     
  • Talk about your sexual desires
    Now that after years of marriage you are comfortable with each other, communicate with each other about the different ideas you have about sex. Basically, let each other know what you expect in your sex life.
     
  • Share responsibility for adding romance to your marriage.
    Don’t blame each other for a boring sex life. See what you can do to make it better.
     
  • Get back in shape.
    Being in shape is good for your health as well as your sex life. If you think your body needs some toning, go running or hit the gym. Work out together. Feel attractive and you will look attractive to your partner.
     
  • Plan date nights.
    It doesn’t need to involve anything elaborate. Just find ways to spend time with each other, minus the kids. It could be dinner at a restaurant, a walk on the beach, a movie – whatever suits you.
     
  • Set the mood for romance.
    Take the effort to try something different in your bedroom. If you’ve done the erotic scents and baths, try sex toys. A panty vibrator or a playful condom could turn the heat up, or how about an oil massage with a happy ending?
     
  • Play games with each other.
    Write down your sexual fantasies and pool them together into a hat. Pull one out each week and follow the instructions. This will kill the predictability in your sex life. (But remember that fantasies are not always something you – or your partner – would like to act out in real life. Make it a rule that you will never pressure your partner into doing something they don’t feel comfortable with.)
     
  • Express your intimacy.
    Touch your partner in different ways throughout the day – it doesn’t have to be sexual, just intimate. Write sexy, suggestive messages via emails, chat, or SMS. Get them thinking about sex even when you’re not having it.

To read more on the topic, check out our tips for sex in a long-term relationship and steamy sex in long-term love.
Sometimes your sex life can suffer because of a sexual dysfunction – that means anything that causes you difficulty having or enjoying sex. Common dysfunctions are trouble getting an erection for men, and pain during sex for women.

There can be various different causes, both physical and psychological. But don’t just put up with it – get medical help. Sexual dysfunctions affect lots of people and most are curable, so please seek professional help. Think of all the positive things it will add to your life once the problem is solved!

 

 

Comments

Hi Kesh, Yes you can get pregnant the first time you have sex if you have unprotected sex when you ovulating or around the time you are ovulating. If you are uncertain of your ovulation consider using protection. Remember other than pregnancy there is risk of getting infected with Sexually Transmitted Infections. Check out the following article for more information;- https://lovematters.co.ke/our-bodies/female-body/menstruation

Hello Immah, Different people (men and women) will have different reasons for ending a relationship before or even after having sex. One can only get to know why one is doing this by talking to the person ending a relationship.

hi kesh..u can get pregnant anytime as long as u are nat using a cd or u are nat in ua save days..probably u will get ball evn if its ua first time

Well,thanx alot, bt my question z, z t fine for us to talk about sex issues while were stl dating, can t lead us to do t physically or?

Hello Iryn, It would depend on what you are talking about it and what your intentions are. You can talk about not having it until such a time you are ready to have it. Guide the conversation around what you want at this point of your relationship. Even when you choose to have it you still need to talk about since you may not be ready to have a child even though you are having sex. Talking about helps you plan and have more control over what happens as opposed to not talking about it and then it happens almost accidentally.So, do talk about it but be clear about what you want at this point.

I av learned alot bt what if you have a partner who can even go a month even touching you is he really likes me or something else bt we do talk have fun bt to do that thing is a crime to him then why

Hi Joyce, Have you talked about it? Physical intimacy is an important part of a relationship, it may help to strengthen your relationship. You need to talk to your partner and find out what could be going on. Also have you tried to initiate sex as opposed to waiting for him to initiate it? Find a good time to have this conversation so you can both find a solution. Remember the intention is to find out what could be going on and the find a solution and not really to blame. Check out the following article for more tips;- https://lovematters.co.ke/making-love/ways-to-make-love/talking-about-sex

I've dated this guy for five years now,we sometimes sleep together but he has a problem in asking me for sex,he spends sleepless nights when I'm with him,he stands out of bed like five times in the night because of erection but he has no courage to ask me for it,he loves me desperately and I love him with everything I have,I fear to hurt him if I ask him the problems behind this,I respect his age because he is much older than me,so I fear to talk about sex to him,what do I do?

Hi Messy, Sex in a relationship can be a sensitive subject but you can make it easy for your partner to talk about it. You could find an appropriate time to bring up the subject and have him understand that it is OK for him to ask. You can also choose to initiate sex perhaps this will help to break down the tension. Sex is always better when partners talk about it. Check out the following article for more tips:- https://lovematters.co.ke/making-love/ways-to-make-love/talking-about-sex
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