Good lovers talk about sex. Being a good lover means talking about what you want. Sometimes this also means saying no when you’re not in the mood, tired, or don’t feel comfortable about having sex with this person.
When you’re getting to know someone this can be difficult, so we’ve made a list of tips for women and tips for men to help out.
Being able to say no makes it more meaningful when you say yes - because than it really is your choice.
Men like knowing what their partner wants, and they appreciate it if she can talk about it. Then they know if they’re getting it right. And many women have questions about their partners bodies – what feels good for him?
Before having sex with a new partner
Thinking about sex with your new partner but not sure how they feel about it?
If you want to turn up the heat in your relationship, start thinking of a good time to talk about it when it’s just the two of you – maybe after dinner or a film. Try not to be drunk, because drinking can impair your judgment for such an important conversation.
Be light-hearted and positive while reassuring your partner you want to be with them because you love and respect them:
‘You’re so beautiful/handsome... I can’t wait to make love to you.’
‘As we have such good sexual chemistry, I think we'd be great in bed together…’
Then see if they also feel ready to start making love, or if they need more time.
Talk about what you want
Your partner might be able to guess what you like, but they can't be sure unless you tell them. So talk about what you want, and ask what they want. You can do it before or after you have sex, but also during your lovemaking.
You might find it difficult or embarrassing to talk, but be brave! It prevents a lot of trouble and makes sex a lot better.
Here are a few tips:
First, think about
what you like about your partner. Are they great kissers? Are they natural talents when it comes to oral sex? Begin by emphasizing what they do well before making a suggestion to take things to the next level. For example:
‘I really like it when you kiss me. Maybe you can also try some of that action on my neck?’
‘You’re so good at going down on me, but tonight I was thinking it would be fun to…’
Take your time. Don’t fire all your ideas or complaints at your partner at once. Feed them little by little. That way you can try them out together and see which ones work best for both of you. Plus you never know what new and exciting frontiers the two of you may discover in the process. When it comes to being more adventurous, take it
step-by-step. You could suggest tickling your partner with a feather, and then if you both enjoy that, maybe suggest a blindfold next time. Always check that your partner is happy with what’s going on. When talking to your partner about changes in the bedroom, think about how
you would like your partner to suggest such changes. What would be the best way to speak to you without you feeling hurt or confused? Suggest areas you could work on
together. For example, start a conversation with ‘I was thinking that together we could try…’ Be their
guide. Your partner cannot read minds and so won’t know exactly what turns you on. So help them by really showing them. For example, guide their hands and mouths to those extra special spots. And give them the opportunity to do the same.
‘I really like it when you touch me here. It would be even better if you did it softer/harder/slower.’
What does your partner want?
Do you know what your partner likes? Sometimes you can tell – you can feel it or see it. But sometimes you can’t. If you’re not sure, ask. The more you find out, the more you’ll enjoy sex together.
If your partner wants to talk to you about changing up the routine or doing something new,
learn to listen.
Laughing at them or passing judgment after they’ve told you an intimate desire or story is unkind. Keep an open mind. Everyone is different, with their own experiences, likes, and dislikes.
Find out if your partner is happy with what you are doing and give them the space to suggest new things. Ask questions! For example:
‘What do you enjoy the most when we’re having sex?’
'Would you like it if I….?’
‘Do you have any ideas for things we can do differently?’
Show them how to please you
It’s fine to guide your partner’s hands during sex and show them how you like to be touched. If your partner does the same for you, don’t feel like it’s a criticism of what you’re already doing.
Try showing your partner what you’d like them to do by touching yourself – try not to be shy, it can be really sexy to watch!
If your partner shows you what they’d like you to do, never laugh, as this may upset your partner and stop them from sharing further. Just feel lucky that they trust you enough to show you what they enjoy.
Watch what they do, and try to
practise with them. Add the action in next time you make love and ask if you can do anything to make it better:
‘Does this feel good for you? Or would you like me to go faster, softer or harder?’
If it doesn't feel good...
Kissing, caressing, having sex… whatever you do, your first check is: does if feel good? Do you like it? Does it turn you on? Do you feel happy about it? Then carry on. As long as it feels good and you’re happy about it, it’s OK.
And if you don’t like what’s happening or the way your partner’s touching you? There’s only one solution – say so, however awkward you might find it. If you don’t say anything, nothing will change. So just try.
If you definitely don’t want to try their suggestion, explain why not and try to suggest a fun alternative:
‘I really don’t want to have anal sex because it could be painful. But I’d like it if you stroked and caressed me back there!’
In short, the more you and your partner talk about the ins and outs of making love, the more you’ll both enjoy it.