Image of Chris Hart
Emanuele del Rosso/Love Matters

Should I marry him?

I separated from my hubby, I immediately got into another relationship. It’s been four months. My new boyfriend wants to marry me, but I feel that am not ready.

He insists that if we are not going to get married really soon then we will have to part ways, I have given him reasons why am still not ready, but he doesn't want to listen to me, I love him so much and right now am more confused what do I do.

As a relationship starts, you should be watching for the ‘red flags’ that suggest something’s wrong. For example, a man who’s soooo nice to you – but rude to waiters. It could be you he’s rude to in six months. Or who’s secretive about his work, family, or social life. Or who drops off the radar unpredictably, for hours or even days at a time. Or tells lies.

Or someone who shows signs of abusive behaviour. Or tries to push you into marriage too fast…

Now, does that sound like your guy? He’s going far too fast. And he’s refusing to listen to your concerns. And threatening to end everything if you don’t do as he wants.

To be blunt, that suggests he may have some sort of personality disorder. No normal man rushes like that. Normal men take just as long as women to decide whether they’ve met the one. No normal man ‘insists,’ and threatens to leave like that. That’s a form of psychological abuse.  

Unfortunately, people who behave like this are very often also wonderful seducers. Hugely romantic. Even charismatic. And so it’s not surprising that you feel so in love with him.
You’re also probably full of the hormone phenyl-ethylamine. That’s released whenever relationships start or end. It produces that huge rush of passionate love you’re feeling. But it also reduces your ability to see your lover’s faults. All part of nature’s plan to get you into back into bed – either with your ex, or your new flame.

So if I were you, I’d run for the hills! This new boyfriend of yours is trouble, and will ultimately make you very unhappy. He might leave you once he’s had his wicked way with you. Or make your life miserable for years. Endlessly controlling and abusing you. Maybe violent. Maybe cold and distant…

It’s also not a good idea to get serious about a new relationship after a marriage has just ended. Because you’re vulnerable then. Your mind’s still confused by whatever went wrong in your marriage. And you’re lonely. And missing your normal relationship routine. And so you’re far too willing to overlook your new date’s faults.

So perhaps you should just socialise casually for a year or so before you start looking for a new partner. By then you’ll be used to the single life again. Your judgement will be restored. And you will be ready to move on.


What would you do if you were in this situation? Leave a comment below or join the discussion on Facebook.

Comments
Add new comment

Comment

  • Allowed HTML tags: <a href hreflang>